I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
