Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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