Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
