So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
