We named our party play list daddy issues
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
