He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
