I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i believe in u and ur pee
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
