I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
