i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
