Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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