textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
