i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize