i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
