I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
