im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
