i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He shit in the fireplace
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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