Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
