just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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