you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
