If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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