drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
