Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Boobs speak an international language.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
