If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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