I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
