girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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