Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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