During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize