We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize