he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
