you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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