im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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