I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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