You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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