I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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