TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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