I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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