last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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