Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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