My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
