i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
