the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
