Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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