i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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