drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
