I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
