my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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