There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
