mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
