i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Floor bacon is actually really good
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
