Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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