Rock
Scissors
Fuck
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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