I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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