i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
