Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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