I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize