pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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